


A Walk By The River

by selkieskin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Affection, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brotherly Love, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Coming Out, Conflict Resolution, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Families of Choice, Friendship, Gen, Homophobia, Hugs, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Consensual Kissing, Non-Consensual Touching, Off-screen Relationship(s), Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Rejection, Relationship Discussions, Religious Guilt, Talking, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28457163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selkieskin/pseuds/selkieskin
Summary: Mark seems kind of agitated as they finish a dance practice at the height of the Coronavirus situation in Korea, and Johnny's worried. What's eating Mark? He takes him for a walk by the river, and tries to talk to him, and the truth slowly comes out after having been buried for a long time.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Mark Lee & Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 8
Kudos: 171





	A Walk By The River

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction, and as such there are people who don’t come off so well in the story, namely Haechan and Mark’s Dad. I just want to clarify that this is no reflection on either of these people in reality (or indeed on Mark or Johnny!), this is just a way for me to explore some of my own themes and feelings.
> 
> Special shoutout to those who are dealing with unsupportive families this holiday season, and all the time for that matter, especially if you're quarantined together. Hang in there.
> 
> Set in summer 2020 (which is when I started writing it, and told myself I'd post it by the end of the year. So, er... this counts, right? It's still 6pm on the 31st of December where I am...)

  
  
  


It had just rained. Johnny couldn't have told you that if somebody had asked him all day, because he'd spent the whole time inside a practice room. Now, it was dark, and he and Mark had left to have a bit of a walk together. They'd all been feeling stressed lately – oddly, the quarantine restrictions that Johnny would have thought would give them all some respite were doing the opposite for some members. It highlighted just how monotonous their days drilling dance moves and vocal exercises were, over and over, with no reward or variety to it, and they weren't getting any more rest now that they were away from the cameras and the fans, they were just trapped in this same endless cycle.

Mark was definitely feeling it. There were certain people in NCT who relied on the constant list of tasks to focus on getting through, and now their schedules were suddenly all but empty, his mind was seeking things to occupy himself with, was struggling to focus, he seemed like he just needed something different to do, with increasing desperation. So Johnny had suggested a walk.

The air was summer-hot, but the rain had given everything a certain smell that made it feel refreshing. The streets were empty save for the odd person every few streets at this time of night, and in this part of town. The lights from shop fronts and street lamps reflected off the water-slick road surface, and the roar of traffic covered the sound of their footsteps as they walked. Johnny was tired, and happy to just experience the outside world in silence for a while. But Mark kept glancing sideways at him, like he wanted to speak, but wasn't sure how. This only really happened when something was really bothering the boy, so he cleared his throat and spoke up, in English. It gave them a sense of privacy, knowing it would be hard for most people to understand their conversation.

“How are you holding up?”

“Um, good, yeah, good,” Mark replied, automatically. Johnny was so used to Mark smoothing over issues like this that he'd fallen into the comfortable habit of just accepting it. He felt like tonight, though, Mark maybe needed a bit of a push.

“OK, good. But you seem like something's on your mind, right?”

“Uhh... kinda. Yeah.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

Mark was silent, and they kept walking. Johnny looked at him then, and saw the telltale shine of tears in his eyes. He was so shocked, he stopped walking, and touched Mark's arm to stop him too.

“Hey, buddy. You wanna tell me?”

Mark's face was pale despite the sheen of tears, and he looked embarrassed, and sort of scared. Johnny's concern increased as he shook his head, forcing out a response.

“No. Ummm... no. I don't think so. I don't even know... I just can't explain it.”

Johnny spotted a nearby bench overlooking a park, and his arm came around Mark's shoulders, leading him to it wordlessly. He sat them both down, and rubbed Mark's back, not knowing what had made Mark, of all people, cry like this. Mark leant over to scrub at his face with his sleeve, trying to make the tears stop. Johnny racked his brains about whether there was a specific incident that had happened recently – had he fought with anyone, had he said something he was embarrassed about on camera, were his family OK? He came up with nothing.

“I know you said you didn't wanna explain it, and it's fine if you really don't, but... it's been a while since I've seen you like this. Can you at least tell me sort of what it's about? A name? A word? Anything?”

Mark opened his mouth as if to respond, but then looked away, letting out a frustrated exhale of breath, as if words had failed him. Johnny hesitated for a second, and then put his arm round him, and lightly jostled him in a friendly way.

“Hey, take your time, man. As long as you want.”

Mark was silent for a long time, just sitting there, occasionally breathing hard, trying to keep control of himself.

“Also,” Johnny added softly, squeezing him, “if you just wanna cry, then cry. I won't mind.”

Mark turned to him and winced, shaking his head.

“No, no, not really, I mean, umm, I don't think it's even that big a thing. I'm just making things look, like... way more dramatic than they need to be. It's probably nothing, man.”

“Doesn't look like nothing, Mark.”

Mark looked down at the ground again.

“Yeah... yeah. I guess it’s not.”

Johnny looked at Mark, and waited to see if he would elaborate. He did not. Johnny looked down and kicked at a stone on the ground, trying to play at being casual.

“Come on, it's not healthy to bottle things up. You've got this far. Talk to me.”

Mark wouldn't look at him. He started wobbling his leg, scrubbing his hand over his face, fidgety. He still didn't answer. Johnny looked at him, and thought he looked sort of... afraid?

“Mark? Are you alright? It's not something I did, is it?” Johnny asked at last, after waiting for him to speak for what felt like an eternity.

Mark let out a tense laugh.

“No, hyung, it's not about you. Not really.”

“Not... really? So... kinda?”

Mark was looking so tense and fidgety at this point that Johnny was half-afraid he was just going to bolt.

“It's nothing, umm, weird,” is what Mark said at last, said fast as if his own words had taken him by surprise.

Johnny sighed, studying Mark's reactions, completely mystified.

“OK then, if you say so, it's nothing weird. What then?”

“No! I don't mean weird, like  _ weird _ -weird, it's just, like, that, like, it's weird that I'm thinking about this now, and... I don't want things to turn, like, um, like weird, you know?”

Johnny blinked as he tried to process that sentence and half-wanted to tease Mark for it, but under the circumstances he restrained himself.

“I mean... I've gotta admit it's sounding  _ kinda _ weird even if I don't know what you're talking about, but... it could be the weirdest thing in the world and you know we're still gonna be brothers, you know? I wanna be here for you,” he said, rubbing Mark's back reassuringly.

“Umm... I just wanted to ask, umm...” Mark swallowed. “How's Ten?”

Johnny really hadn't been expecting that. He pulled a 'dunno' face and answered.

“He's alright. Busy. You know him, he's got negative free hours in the day, same as you. Honestly, at this point you definitely see him more than I do. Why? Did he say something to you? Is that what this is?”

“No, he didn't say anything, he's, umm, he's great. Good.” And then Mark fell silent again.

“...Mark?” Johnny asked, feeling the silence suddenly feel full of tension and uncertainty. He looked at his friend. “What did you really want to ask?”

“I just, umm... I was wondering… how did you and Ten, umm...”

Johnny looked at Mark as, at long last, it dawned on him the type of topic this might be about. His mouth fell open in disbelief as he stared at his friend, and Mark immediately caught the look and hit him, scooting away.

“Dude, I told you, I didn't want this to be weird!”

“It's not weird! Honestly, I'm just... surprised you wanna know. You always seemed like you didn't wanna know.”

“I don't!” Mark bit his lip, looking away, practically lifting himself off the bench with his discomfort. “I... Oh my _god._ _Shit._ ”

Johnny’s mouth went dry. He could feel his heart beating faster with the panic that he’d now scared him off asking anything by trying to make it into a big joke. He started to talk, trying to sound calm, but that slight waver in his voice was obvious to even himself.

“Look, it's OK, Mark, it's OK. You can ask what you want. No pressure, no judgement. Doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to, you just wanna know some stuff, right?”

“I can't do this,” Mark said, not engaging. “Sorry, hyung, I can't.” And with that, he gave into his instinct to get up and start walking away, fast, into the evening.

“Woah, woah! Hey, Mark!” Johnny ran and caught up with him, but didn't touch him, just walking beside him at Mark's fast pace. “Hey. Look, I can see that you're really uncomfortable right now. And you can run away, but don't run away from me. Let's just go walk down by the river, blow off some steam, OK?”

Mark slowed a little, and Johnny almost sighed with relief as he saw Mark accept his companionship.

“You know,” said Johnny, trying to keep his tone light, “yesterday I forgot to tell you, but I tried that new way of frying an egg with turmeric you recommended. It was good.”

“...Yeah?” Mark responded, and Johnny kept him chatting about random things until he'd uncoiled a little, and was actually looking Johnny in the face again. 

It was dark in places down by the river, and Johnny got out his phone torch to light their path, and they both stared at the patch of light just ahead of them as they walked. A fly flew into the side of Mark's face, and he swatted at it, pulling a face. Johnny felt almost sorry he had to do it, but he had to bring up their previous topic of conversation again, make Mark uncomfortable on purpose. He took a breath, and tried to word it as carefully as he could.

“That question you were gonna ask earlier... you wanna ask again?”

Mark almost stumbled, and Johnny could have sworn he heard his brain short-circuiting. He fell silent again. Johnny looked at him, and saw how much he just couldn't start talking about this. He knew Mark, and he knew this wasn't going to go any further if Johnny relied on Mark to set the pace. So Johnny spoke again.

“How about this idea: I ask myself the question I think you were gonna ask, and I answer it, and you don't have to say anything. OK?”

Another few seconds passed.

“...Alright.” It was barely audible. Johnny nodded.

“Alright. So... how did me and Ten get together?” He glanced at Mark, and Mark wasn't looking at him, but he could tell he was listening. Johnny nodded in comprehension, before he answered himself. “Well, umm, you might know a lot of this, or you might not, I don't know how much the guys talk, or how much you saw... but me and Ten didn't actually get to know each other until we'd both been at SM for a while – I was training with the EXO guys a lot, he had Korean classes to catch up on... one day, we just met in the cafeteria and it was so nice to find another English speaker, and he was just really funny, and we hit it off. I think I knew he was gay, like, straight away, he doesn't exactly hide it. It didn't bother me, I just thought he was cool, you know?

Next thing I knew, EXO were put together, so we were both in Rookies with you, and you were always there and we were close and stuff, but he became my best friend. We spent loads of time together and told each other a lot of stuff about ourselves, and he started to talk to me about guys. Just, like, people from movies, pretty safe stuff, just feeling me out I guess. And I kinda... joined in. I don't know what it is about him, but he just draws you in and makes you want to talk to him more, doesn’t matter what about. And he was, like... small, and had this bright smile, and this wicked smirk...”

Johnny had started to feel like he was speaking into a void. Everything was dark, and there was the path ahead of him and the friend beside him, but there was nobody to interrupt, so he just let it all flow, caught up in the memories of what Ten was like back then. Ten was always sharp-witted, but his wit used to be clumsier and sometimes it hurt. And he used to sometimes be so much more sensitive to comments he overheard or things people said to his face, too. He sometimes saw pictures or videos of them back then, and marvelled at how young and awkward they both looked. He missed him, now that they were both so busy and they'd cooled it off to just a casual arrangement.  _ Ten... _

“...Anyway, we'd sometimes playfight and stuff too, like, buddies, and I just had this sudden realisation that I was feeling, like, heart beating faster, butterflies in the stomach, and maybe it wasn't just that I had a really good friend, maybe it was something else. And that threw me for a loop, because it was always girls, I never really... it was always like liking a guy the same way wasn't even an option, you know? I'd never even thought about it before. It always seemed like something that happened to other people, not to me. But I thought about it then. And the next time we started talking about guys together I thought about the kind of things I was coming out with and saying about guys and I was just like... well, that's not very  _ straight _ , you know?

This'll probably surprise you, but I kissed him first.” Johnny let out a little huff of laughter at the memory. “And he flipped the fuck out, and ran away, literally ran. And I ran after him. He's really, really fast though, and he escaped, and I went and shut myself in a toilet, freaking out. It was like the middle of the night, but I stayed there for hours. I'm talking, like... 4 hours or something? I don't know why, but it just felt like the whole world was crashing down around me, and I'd just ruined this friendship that I was holding onto and everything was just so hard, I couldn't cope, and I wanted to go home.” Johnny glanced sideways at Mark, barely able to make out his face in the darkness. “I mean, you know the feeling. We all get like that sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Mark confirmed, sounding still a little like he didn't want to be there. But he'd said something at last, and Johnny counted that as a victory. He couldn't help but try and tease a little more response from the younger guy.

“As for what happened next, you want the PG version?” he teased. Mark nearly fell over.

“What!?  _ Yes _ !” he replied emphatically, as expected. Johnny smiled at how predictable he was sometimes.

“Well, Ten knocked on the toilet cubicle door and wanted to talk, and I wouldn't come out or let him in for a while, and we just talked about what I'd been feeling, and so he kinda realised that I was for real, then.” Johnny lapsed into silence, and kicked the stones underneath his feet as he walked. “And when he finally told me that he believed me, I finally got the courage to let him in, and he kissed me too. And, well... fade to black.”

Johnny braced himself for Mark to hit him again, knowing he'd just pushed it, but the blow never came. Instead there was just the sound of both of them walking together, the sound of chirping insects, the sound of distant traffic, and the sound of rushing water.

And that was worrying.

“Was that what you wanted to ask, Mark?”

“Umm, thanks for sharing that with me. Really, hyung. I appreciate it.”

A few beats of silence.

“You wanna… ask anything else?”

“Just, umm... I mean, just...” The tension in Mark's voice was escalating again, and Johnny wished he could see him properly, and read this situation properly. “I just, umm... I mean, for you, when you realised what you were feeling, didn't it feel, kind of, umm... like, bad?”

It's not like Johnny hadn't already known that Mark had this... particular  _ issue _ when it came to LGBTQ+ people, it was just that it was a shock to hear it even so. Mark himself never said anything or discriminated against anybody for their sexuality or gender expression, but it was pretty prominent to notice how he reacted to the mere suggestion that he might be gay himself, even in situations where people were clearly joking, like he'd just touched a hot iron.

Johnny needed to be honest. About things that he hadn't talked about for years. About a part of himself that still ached, sometimes.

“It did, yeah." He glanced sideways at Mark, who still wasn't looking at him. "Sometimes really bad. But... not because it was wrong or anything. I was worried that this would change something about me, that I was no longer myself, because when I looked at Ten and I wanted to kiss him, that made me into something I never thought I'd be. Like, I felt like it wasn't me, you know? But it  _ was _ me. It was more me than a me that didn't even know that side of myself. When I finally got to kiss Ten... it just felt right. I can't describe it. It was just attraction that got fulfilled the way it should, and anyway when I was here I was also just desperate for, like, affection... it was just the best feeling, to be with him.

And... of course, a lot of me feeling bad was worrying about what other people would think about me. I wasn't really thinking that seriously about stuff like the future back then, I kissed him because I wanted to, but... after, later, I was panicking about stuff like marriage, kids? What if I fell for a guy and then I couldn't have a normal life? What if that became, like, the only thing friends saw about me, or even worse, my family?”

“Yeah,” he heard Mark say from beside him at that last part, sounding a little choked-up. “Yeah.”

“Hey, Mark? All that stuff... it made me want to feel like it was bad, but the reality of it was, when I was kissing him, I realised it couldn't be a bad thing. Something that felt right like that? It couldn't be wrong. And everything that I was worried about? It's fine. It doesn't matter. Sure, we've gotta keep it a secret, and that sucks, but that's the same with everyone in this industry who's dating, guys or girls, you know? And I told my mom about a year and a half after it started, and it was a struggle for her at first, but now she's fine with the idea that I'm bi. Well... she thinks I'm still gonna marry a nice girl, and hey, it's possible, and yeah, I'd rather she was just a bit more willing to be OK with the other option too, but it's progress. As for my friends... well,  _ you _ know, and it's not really relevant to our friendship, you know? Right?”

“Right, yeah. It's not, I just kind of... ignore it? I mean... do you mind?”

“No, I don't mind. We've got plenty of other stuff we talk about.”

“Really, hyung. Do you not mind at all?”

Johnny licked his lips, mulling it over. Maybe it did hurt, just a little.

“Well... honestly? I do wish you didn't feel so reactive about it. I do find myself stopping myself from saying things sometimes because I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. But I'm probably not gonna start at this point, because you being uncomfortable isn't gonna change that fast, and honestly I'm kind of used to our relationship being the way it is, so it's not really a problem for me.”

Mark sighed, sounding a little distressed.

“I'm so sorry, hyung. I didn't really think about how it would make you feel. I accept you, you know that?”

“Hey, of course I know that. You're a good guy. I said it's fine.”

“Would you really tell me if it wasn't?”

“I kinda just did. I'm over it, though. But, hey, was that what you really wanted to talk about? Did that answer your question?”

“I, like, umm, I think so?”

“Then... do you mind if I ask you a question now?”

Mark's answering silence told Johnny that he'd hit a nerve.

“Mark?”

“I... I guess that's fair.” He sounded like he was dreading it. “Go on. Ask.”

“Mark... why did you want to ask me that right now?”

Johnny half-expected Mark to tell him it was too far. His heart was in his mouth. It was a surprise when Mark actually started to answer, and he was talking about real stuff, rather than trying to deflect or pretend like it had been a joke.

“It's just... we never... talk about that stuff, you know?” Mark sounded like he was forcing himself, but Johnny just smiled at him in the dark, trying to force himself to sound relaxed.

“Yeah, I know.”

There was another silence. Johnny just waited it out for a minute or so, just listening to their footsteps, waiting for Mark to gather his thoughts. He hoped he’d elaborate. This was still really confusing for him, and he was worried about his younger friend. What was eating him?

Mark cleared his throat eventually, and spoke in a sudden rush.

“Well, you see, umm... I was round at my parents' house the other day... no, when we were drilling routines in the practice room, I started thinking... actually, no, you, umm, you remember when me and Donghyuck fell out a couple of years back?”

Johnny was almost taken aback by Mark just going ahead and saying it and also by the sudden leaps between starting points. He nodded silently in response, even though Mark probably couldn't see him, and then caught himself and spoke out loud instead.

“Yeah, yeah, I do. You guys never said what that was about though?”

“...Yeah. It was bad. Like, really bad. So bad that we agreed to never talk about it. Not like- no, it wasn’t really anything that bad if I tell it to you, just that I reacted… bad. I kinda… I think kinda this is what’s been bugging me, but if I talk to you, you’ve got to swear you’ll never tell anyone or act different, OK?”

Johnny’s mind was racing. What the hell was it? He swallowed nervously.

“I swear, Mark. It’ll stay between you and me.”

“You sure? You’ve really got to swear.”

“Hey, literally unless you’ve murdered someone and you’re about to tell me where you two buried the body, I swear, this’ll stay between you and me.”

Mark was silent, and they kept walking. Johnny heard his breathing getting heavier, and realised with a thud of worry that Mark was crying again.

Johnny moved nearer and slung an arm around his shoulders as they walked, which made walking together while also still holding a phone for the light a little more awkward and he accidentally shined the torch into his own eyes for a moment, but he knew Mark would need comforting - even though he’d refuse a proper hug. Johnny squeezed him, as if to say  _ I’m here _ .

“...I dunno,” Mark wailed miserably, at long last.

“Let it out, buddy,” Johnny said. “You’re so nearly there, just let it out.”

“He, umm… he, he… he  _ kissed _ me once, you know?”

Johnny let himself ride the cold bolt of shock, and he couldn’t even picture that happening, it was just so not what he expected Mark to ever be saying to him. It wasn’t something he expected of Haechan either. This night was just so weird.

“...For real?”

“Yeah, I mean, he was, umm, he was joking around… you know, how he used to joke around with me? You remember how he used to be, like, like,  _ bothering _ me when I was trying to sleep, and you even know it got so bad I ended up switching rooms?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. So then one day he kissed me. He fucking  _ kissed _ me.”

Mark’s voice broke at that last part, and Johnny just squeezed him, wanting to comfort, but feeling like he’d suddenly had a bucket of cold water dropped on him from nowhere. He didn’t get it.  _ What? _

“Woah woah woah, back up. Just outta nowhere? When? Start from the start. What happened?”

“Fuck man, years ago. I-” Mark started, then stopped, choked by his upset. “I always felt, like… scared, when he made those jokes. I don’t mind, uh, gay people or anything, kinda, and I don’t even think he is gay, he was just… he always thought it was funny. And I didn’t. And any line that I drew and said, like, don’t cross it, he always did, and he got away with it because he was like, joking.

And… I had to get on with him, because we were always working together, and he was my friend and I liked him mostly, but it was hard. You know? Sometimes I just really wanted him to stop, and when I told him to stop, he wouldn’t listen, because he was just interested in seeing how far he could push it or something.”

Johnny hmm’d in agreement.

“Yeah, I know exactly what you’re talking about."

"Yeah."

"Yeah. But I don’t think he was trying to be like that or anything, he’s just really bad at reading the situation sometimes - you know that, right?"

“Yeah, like, I  _ know _ that, but it didn’t make it easy. And everything you guys saw? He actually held back in front of you guys, because I think it was easier to get through to him when everyone was telling him to quit it and it wasn’t just me. When it was just me, it was like to him I wasn’t saying anything at all. And this was back when we shared a room still, so it got bad.”

“Oh, Mark, I’m so sorry,” Johnny said in sympathy, perfectly able to imagine the situation now. It was true, Haechan when he was younger - and still, sometimes - was pretty bad at understanding that sometimes his jokes or pranks went too far, and Mark was far too nice, and it would have been easy for the younger boy to ignore him and just keep pushing. He could picture a young Mark, just desperately trying to tell him to stop it, and Donghyuck just pushing way past his boundaries anyway. “What kind of things did he do?”

“He’d, umm, he’d do stuff, like, like, embarrassing stuff, like… he’d get his face really close to mine and then laugh when I looked uncomfortable, or, like… touch my legs and make comments and stuff. And I tried to laugh it off too, act like I was OK with the joke sometimes, because I was really… I didn’t want to make things awkward, I wanted to be friends, and, like, I  _ needed _ to be friends, we were working together like all the time, and it’s not like he meant it.”

“It doesn’t matter if he meant it or not. I knew Haechan was bad with boundaries anyway, but jeez. If you set boundaries, you deserve to have them respected. I had no idea it was going that far. Was he doing that a lot?”

Mark nodded, and Johnny felt the nod against his arm, able to sort of make out Mark’s silhouette in the dark still.

“Mm, yeah, like, at one point, it was literally all the time, like, really every day and every time he could get me alone. I hated it, and I didn’t know what to do. Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have… acted like it was a joke, because I think that only encouraged him.”

“No, no, I get it, you wanted to be friends, right? I think we’ve all sort of been forced into that, and I’m grateful for all you guys, really, but it’s been kind of a process of learning to understand everyone’s point of view. I get why you were putting up with it, don’t blame yourself. It's not like we can walk away.”

“And, and, sometimes I’d get tired, and he’d push further, and then there would be some new, like, threshold that he was working to, and I was dreading it every time, and I could feel how I was so, like, not in control of the situation, and so I just really kind of tried to switch off and stop caring, but I always, like, that’s the one thing I hate most, you know?”

Mark glanced up at Johnny, suddenly tensing as he caught what he just said.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry hyung, I didn’t mean that!”

Johnny shook his head, even though Mark probably couldn't clearly see him.

“We can talk about that stuff another time, just, carry on. I wanna hear this.”

“I-I mean… OK. Sorry. Like, really.”

“I said it’s fine, just… if you say stuff like that while you’re telling me, don’t worry about it." Johnny felt there were more important things at stake in this conversation - it was such a rare occasion that Mark would properly talk about anything like this. "I want you to feel like you can say what you really feel. I know you don’t mean it as a thing against me, or anyone, but it’s a vital little detail in your story. Go on. It was the thing you hate the most, and…”

“...You sure?”

“Yeah man. Just don’t try to censor yourself, not right now. You need to talk about this. Go ahead.”

Mark sighed guiltily.

“...Yeah. I, um, I, umm… I couldn’t stop feeling, like… sick when he touched me. Or when he said stuff. And I just, really, I thought there was something wrong with me, like, why did I feel like I hated it this much? My… my dad always said it was a sin, but to ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’, and I thought I could do that. I thought I was trying to do that. I was really fighting to… to do that.”

“Yeah but Mark, you never should’ve had to put up with him doing whatever he wanted though. Especially seeing as it was a joke. Especially when it made you feel like that.”

“Yeah, I just, at the time I just wanted to get him away from me and for him to just relax and be normal, and then I thought it was me who was overreacting, and then one day we were in my room and it was just us and he was kinda getting all up in my space like he had been doing and laughing, and he pushed me down on the bed and I was kinda trapped, and he, umm, he kissed me.”

“Kissed you, like… with tongue?”

“No, not like that, it was a joke, it was just… it was so weird, it was like everything went white, I was just so shocked. And, then, he started to laugh, and I, really, I could feel that I’d started to shake all over, and I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t… couldn’t say anything, even as I saw him, like, realise what was happening and get off me, and I really, really couldn’t breathe, and I felt like I was gonna die.”

Mark hunched in on himself then, and his steps shuddered to a halt. His voice next was strained and tense.

“I really felt like that. And it sounds stupid, and he was just joking, I know that, but…”

“Mark, it’s not stupid, c’mere,” Johnny said, giving into his urge to pull the smaller guy into a proper hug at last, letting him hide his face in Johnny's still-sweaty t-shirt and just bury in there, as he tried to just be there for his friend the best that he could. Mark was never the kind of person to really give in to hugs the way a lot of other people would, he always felt a bit polite and awkward even when he was trying, and this was the same thing. Johnny held him tight anyway, just keeping him there while his breathing came a bit closer to normal.

“So… how come you’ve been thinking about this now?”

“It’s not finished,” Mark said, voice a little muffled against Johnny’s shoulder.

Johnny paused for a second to feel out whether Mark wanted to exit the hug. After a couple of seconds, he felt Mark start to shrug him off and step back, and Johnny obliged. They stood there opposite each other, Johnny just letting Mark call the shots now that he’d got going.

Mark sighed unhappily.

“I’m tired, hyung,” he said, upset audible on the edges of his voice. “Like, really tired. We’ve been walking for ages. I think it’s time to head back.”

Johnny turned his head to look the way they’d come, up the path. Mark was right. They still had at least as long as they’d been walking already to go back the other way, and it was definitely late enough that they needed to get going on that, no matter how much he just wanted to get Mark safe in bed and getting some rest right that second.

“Yeah, I think it’s time to turn around,” Johnny agreed. “Do you wanna tell me the rest of the story on the way back, or do you wanna call it a night?”

He could almost hear Mark struggle with himself.

“I dunno. Let’s just… we should just walk a bit, first.”

They fell into step beside one another, not touching this time. Johnny could feel how groggy he was getting from being so tired in this darkness. He just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, seeing little insects flying through his phone torch light, listening to Mark’s footsteps beside him, and not trying to start any new conversation. Several minutes passed, and still neither of them said anything.

“I-” started Mark, interrupting the silence. “I…” He sighed with frustration. “I know how I am sometimes, and I know that if I don’t tell you now I’m never gonna tell you again.”

“Alright then,” Johnny prompted, agreeing, trying to encourage him to talk by not making a big deal out of it. He tried to affect a casual tone. “So... you said you were having a panic attack.”

“Yeah.” Mark sighed. “I was. I’d, like, had them before in school a couple of times, but not for, like, years. And not that bad. I’d kinda forgotten what they were like. He, umm, wanted to get someone to help me, because I really just couldn’t breathe, but I stopped him because all I could think was that then he’d have to tell someone what happened and then they’d  _ know _ . I couldn’t handle it. I said some stuff… I said it was disgusting, and I swore at him, like,  _ at _ him for the first time. I told him to never fucking do that again.”

“What do you think made you react that way?” To Johnny, it sounded like a very extreme reaction - not that Mark didn’t have pretty extreme reactions to this stuff anyway compared to anyone else he knew, but that was pretty shocking, even for Mark.

“I was just… I was so… sick of him, and scared about where it could go. Also, umm… I mean, that was my first kiss. And I know it wasn’t, like, with tongue, or anything like that, but I always focused on my work in school, and on SM, and never on girls, and to me a first kiss seemed like… something really, really special, something to protect, you know? Something for, like… someone I was really gonna love and feel special about, not some  _ guy _ who thought it was a funny joke.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Johnny said. “I’m really sorry, man.”

“John-hyung… you said that first time, you, umm, you kissed Ten and he, uh, ‘flipped out’, right? What made you think he wanted you to kiss him?”

“What, you mean, like, was he flirting with me?”

“Yeah, umm, something like that.”

A fly flew against Johnny's face and he stopped for a moment to wave it away. He thought for a moment.

“Well, uh, honestly? He wasn’t flirting. Not really. He was pretty focused on projecting this, like, safe image, something like yeah he was gay but that didn’t make him a threat to anyone, so he just pretended like he wasn’t interested in anyone who wasn’t someone on-screen. He was really careful. But still, there were a few times where something I did made him, like, look away, or blush, and there was one time before I’d figured anything out where I caught him looking at my mouth when I was talking… I teased him about it then, even, and then we dropped it and I didn’t bring it up again.”

“And… and, like, when you did, umm, kiss him…?”

Johnny let out an uncomfortable laugh.

“Sorry, but you’re not gonna get the answer you’re looking for. I’d been thinking about kissing him, like, dreaming about it for weeks, and we were talking about some K-drama actor and he was making me laugh and I looked at how beautiful he was and I thought I just really needed to kiss him, so… I did.”

"That's it?"

"Pretty much."

"I was, umm, I was worried that there was… like, did I lead him on somehow? Like, was there anything I did?"

“Mark,” Johnny said, reaching out to pat his shoulder gently in reassurance as they walked. “You can’t think that way. Even if there was something you were doing, it wasn’t intentional. Donghyuck should have known that.”

“No, hyung, I mean… when he looked at me… was there something about me that made him think it was OK to do that?”

“Mark, I know you, and I know you’d have tried your best to navigate the situation without hurting his feelings. So what, you didn’t say no loud enough, is that it? You couldn’t have known. Don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t fair what happened, and I think it sounds like it was just a really bad misjudgement from him.”

“It’s not, umm… it’s not that. Thanks though. But, it’s, it’s not that.”

“OK…” Johnny replied, racking his brains for what Mark was getting at. “Sorry. I’ll shut up and listen. I don’t get what you’re trying to say, just go ahead and tell me straight.”

“I just… I dunno if…” Mark sighed in frustration at himself, struggling to tell him. “Umm… I just… it’s, umm, just…”

Johnny had to really bite his tongue. And trust that Mark could get there eventually. He started to count his steps in his head as he heard Mark lapse into silence beside him.  _ One, two, three, four, five, six… _

“Like, I know what I want to say,” Mark clarified, “but I’m just scared what you’re gonna say when I say it. Like, I want you to be honest, really, but at the same time… I kinda don't wanna hear it.”

“Do you want me to promise to not say anything about it when you say it? Will that help? If I just shut up totally?”

“I mean, yeah, but… probably no, actually. I wanna, like, know what you think. It’s important that I know what you think, like, your honest opinion.”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, you do know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“We’re brothers for life, man,” Johnny said.

“Yeah, yeah, thanks, I know.”

“So then…” Johnny was trying to be so careful, to give Mark the space to say whatever it was. “What did you wanna say?”

“It’s just, um…” Mark sounded a little strangled, like his anxiety was choking him. “When you look at me… do I look  _ gay _ to you?”

It would have been funny if only Johnny couldn’t feel the fragileness and hurt behind the question - the word, ‘gay’, was blurted out as if Mark had only wrenched it from his throat by sheer force of will. And if he couldn’t hear Mark start to sob with the force of that finally being spoken out loud. 

“No,” Johnny said, a kneejerk response, before he caught himself. “I mean… not that there’s any one way to be gay, or, or anywhere on the LGBTQ spectrum y’know, but… look, it wouldn’t be the first thing that came to mind or anything. That isn’t something you have to worry about. Hey, bro, I had no idea this was bugging you. When... why did you start worrying about that?”

“Damn, I dunno… school, I guess…” Mark managed to say. “B-but… mostly my dad, really.”

Johnny had met Mark’s dad before, of course. He wouldn’t say he spoke with them a lot, because they preferred to have one-on-one time with Mark rather than what Johnny’s parents did which was adopt all the NCT guys as their own, but... since Mark’s parents had moved back to Korea to be closer to Mark, he’d probably at least said hi to them more often than his own parents lately. And the impression he got was that they were kind of strict. Mark’s dad, especially.

Johnny waited, and walked. He could tell that this was sensitive ground. He didn’t want to say anything that would make it more difficult for Mark. After all, even if Mark’s parents were strict, he knew they loved him a lot. He was probably jumping to conclusions in his own head. He just needed Mark to tell him, in his own words.

“Hyung, you’re not gonna say anything?” Mark asked, after a few seconds of silence.

“Like what?” Johnny responded. “Dude, I was waiting on you to talk.”

“I dunno, I just… I don’t like saying anything bad about my dad, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that, really, but if there’s something bothering you, you’ve gotta let it out, you know?”

“I just… he seems a bit like…” Mark sighed, and Johnny could hear the hurt behind that sound. “Right, so, um, to give a bit of, um, background to this first, he’s, umm... always been the kind of guy who thinks that, uh, that kinda stuff is, like, wrong. He doesn’t believe in it. Right?”

“You heard that a lot growing up, or…?”

“I mean, yeah, but I mean he is a preacher, like really,  _ really _ religious and stuff, so it’s kinda expected, you know. And I always thought that I was fine, that he wasn’t gonna turn on me, but lately… I dunno, man. This is so messed up. You know the thing I mentioned, the thing with Donghyuck?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I was feeling really kinda messed up over it, and then my dad called.”

Johnny winced.

“Shit.”

“A-and my dad, he knows me, and he always knows when something’s up with me or I’m trying to hide something. I can’t lie to him. So… I told him.”

It was true, Mark was honest to a fault. It was one of his most endearing qualities, but also one of his most dangerous. Work stuff aside, Mark just lived his whole life like that, not able to hide his reactions, always thinking the best of people and trusting them, and he would immediately crack under pressure. Sometimes it was funny. Sometimes Johnny felt like it just made him vulnerable.

“And… how did that go?”

“Oh, it was horrible, hyung,” Mark said. “Just really… really bad. Sometimes… I wish I’d never said anything. But that’s my  _ dad _ , you know?”

“Why did you tell him?”

“I couldn’t not tell him,” Mark said, immediately, as if it was obvious. “I tell him everything. Well,  _ told _ him everything, I... he raised me that way. He wanted me to just be a good kid, and tell him if I was ever...not.”

“You are good, Mark, you are,” Johnny said. “And if he ever said you’re not because of what happened… you don’t deserve that, you just do not deserve that.”

“But I-” Mark’s voice cracked. “I think, maybe… I mean, my dad knows me best, and… what if he… did he, like, see something in me that made him… react that way?”

“What did he say? I don’t get it totally, I mean, what happened?”

“He thought it was my fault, I think.” Mark’s breathing was laboured and slightly panicky. “No, definitely. At the time I didn’t think so, but I look back, and I think, like… what if it was?”

“What? Mark, you’ve gotta know, this makes no sense-”

“That’s because I don’t know how to tell you it properly. Because… because I’m too scared. And what does that say about me? Why can’t I say it? Why can’t I even  _ think _ about it properly? Why don’t I… why don’t I know why…” Mark staggered to a halt, and his breathing was way too fast now. 

Johnny’s arm came round his shoulders, tugging downwards and to the side, to the grass verge.

“Sit down, Mark. Just breathe with me, OK? Try to calm yourself down. You’re gonna work yourself up into another panic attack. Look, look at me,” he said, placing his phone on the ground torch-side-up to give them a little patch of light, tiny insects buzzing in and out of the beam. Mark sat heavily, slipping out of Johnny’s grip, so Johnny’s hands just reached out to hold his, not wanting to make him feel trapped. “It’s OK, you’re with me, you’re safe, you’ve just gotta breathe. Breathe in…” 

Johnny took in an exaggerated breath, making sure Mark was watching. Mark copied him, but sounded a little like he couldn’t get enough air in.

“...And out.”

Johnny let out the breath, trying to keep his own breathing slow, faking a calm he wasn’t quite feeling.

“In…”

Mark’s in-breath was a little improved this time.

“And out.”

Yes, definitely having some effect. Johnny was glad - he didn’t want Mark to have a panic attack stuck all the way out here. This, at least, Johnny could do.

“In…”

Johnny suddenly gave a hacking cough as one of the tiny insects flew straight into his airways. 

“Too much in,” Johnny joked, lamely, as he continued to cough, tears in his eyes. 

“Oh my god, are you alright?” Mark asked.

“Bugs,” Johnny clarified, still coughing. “Gimme a moment.”

After coughing enough so that the insect was definitely gone from his airways (though the weird taste still lingered in his mouth), he pulled a face, and looked back up at Mark.

“Guess that kinda worked, huh?”

“Huh?” asked Mark.

“Never mind all that counting breaths, next time I just need to eat a bug.”

“Oh. Oh, er, yeah,” Mark said, as if he was pretending not to remember what they’d just been talking about. Johnny shifted his position so he was sat side-by-side with Mark, stretching his legs out in front of him in the direction of the water. He knew that Mark had just touched a nerve, really come close to really explaining what all this was about. Like Mark had said, if he stopped talking now, he might never say it. And Johnny had some things to say of his own, if only Mark could be brave and push through with the conversation a little longer. So Johnny decided to push.

“So… I didn’t really get what you were saying, before. You started to kinda… yeah. OK. You said you called your dad, or he called you, and… how did it go? What did he say?”

Mark didn’t say anything for a second. Johnny waited.

“I was, uh… I mean, I was feeling pretty messed up. I’d just… I mean, I’d only just left the room where it happened. I was really shaking. And my dad always wants me to pick up the phone, whenever I’m free, and I was, so I just… answered, like, automatic, trying to pretend like everything was normal. And I thought I could be fine, but he just, got, like immediately got that something was up. So I tried to put him off, but he’s my dad, and he kept asking, so, I, umm, I told him to hang on, and I went to the roof, because I didn’t want anybody else to hear me.

I said that there was this guy at SM - I didn’t wanna tell him who at first - who was making all these stupid jokes, and, like, touching my legs and stuff. He said… he said some stuff, you know, the kind of stuff you’d expect, and not even angry, just about how, like, umm… how the devil gets in people sometimes, how I’ve gotta be wary and make sure I stop associating with this guy completely to defend myself and tell my managers, and I had to say I couldn’t do that, because he was my roommate, and he, like, got it out of me who it was.”

Johnny's heart sank on Mark's behalf.

“I’m sorry, that must have been tough on you.”

“I mean… yeah.” Mark shifted, moving his legs into a more comfortable position, one knee up, hugging it to his chest as he squinted out into the darkness. “And I know I was, like, agreeing with him. It made sense, and I do wanna do the right thing. So even though it was Donghyuck, I was just like… yeah. And then I… even though I was really upset, I realised I kinda didn’t want him to say all that stuff about him, so I kinda tried to say that some of it… wasn’t true. And my dad, my dad, like… he knows his stuff, you know, he’s led a congregation for years. He’s heard everything. And he, uh, he shut me down.”

“Shut you down?”

“Yeah. Like, I never wanna argue with my dad, ever. He’s just too… he’s always sure, he always just wins somehow. And when I tried to say that sometimes people like that weren’t so bad, he said, like, that that’s how it works, they get you on their side, and then you might end up like them. And, uh… other stuff. A ton of other stuff I couldn’t argue against. I went along with it for a long time, and then I tried to tell him Donghyuck was just joking, it wasn’t even like that, and my dad said he didn’t think so. And that messed with my head, like, even more.

And then… I told him that he’d just now kissed me, and then laughed about it. And I should never,  _ never _ have said that, that, that  _ one _ sentence, fuck, it was just a big mistake, I just… I wanted to say it. I dunno, I think I just needed… but yeah. Anyway. My dad, he just went… dead silent. I’ve never experienced that before. And I was s-so, um, so scared.”

“No wonder,” Johnny said, quietly.

“And my dad said… he basically said it must have been my fault that things got that far. That he must have seen something in me, that the entertainment industry could be dangerous like that. Like, that I’d started to stray, it had started to corrupt me. That he needed to move back to Korea to keep a better eye on me. And then he called SM and blew it all up into a big thing and he got me and him and Donghyuck in a serious meeting with people who, like, I wanted to be  _ professional _ in front of, and got me switched straight away to a different room and it was just so, so humiliating and I didn’t know how to look Donghyuck in the eye, so I just… I mean, I  _ was _ mad at him. Really, I was. But I think I was just acting like that after a while because it was easier than facing him. It wasn’t fair on him.”

“I mean… that’s a lot to unpack.” Johnny’s head was spinning. It was way too late at night and dark for him to keep up with Mark’s rambling storytelling style. “So… like, your dad thought it was your fault somehow, and it got exposed to a load of senior staff, like straight away, and you feel kinda bad for Haechan too? Man…” he leant to the side to nudge Mark with his shoulder, trying to be reassuring. “I mean, when it rains it pours, I guess. Man, I'm sorry, that sounds… that sounds hard.”

“We’re alright now, we just… we’ve never talked about it again. Ever. He tried, at the start, to get me alone and talk about it, and I always just shut him out and told him I didn’t wanna talk. I didn’t even wanna be near him. So we just… started pretending it never happened in the end.”

"So you've never really talked about it since?"

"Yeah."

“And you guys seem pretty back to normal now?”

“Yeah, we are. He seems fine. He was kinda clingy for a while, but he’s moved on now, and it’s, like, fine. It's fine. I feel bad for how things went, but I think they’re OK now.”

“That’s good to know, but he’s not who I’m worried about here,” Johnny said. “Earlier… you said something about, like, not being able to think about it properly? Did you mean that you think your dad’s got in your head about this?”

“Umm… not exactly…” Mark was starting to sound really exhausted, wrung out by all the stress of their conversation. “I don’t think it’s my dad’s fault, not really, but him suddenly, like, how he’s changed since, like he could see a part of me that I wasn’t seeing, I think that just, like made it worse. I just mean… I know my dad, like, sees that maybe… maybe there was something about me, that… umm…” 

“You… think your dad knows something about you that you don’t?” Johnny prompted, trying to follow Mark’s lead about not saying it out loud directly.

“Kinda. What I’m trying to say, is, umm… I guess you probably don’t know, huh, but… I mean, if a straight guy, like, a  _ totally _ straight guy got kissed by another guy, he’d just laugh it off, right? Like… it wouldn’t even matter. Right?”

“I don’t think that’s necessarily true,” he said, leaning back on his elbows in the grass, intending at first to flop fully down onto his back but realising the grass was a bit too wet at the last second. He looked up at the few stars that were visible through the light pollution of Seoul. “I think there's so many people who have, like, a mental block about any of that stuff. Society tells us so many things that even if you’ve grown up in a house that’s really accepting, some people just… absorb this kind of can’t-think-about-it feeling from there. Whatever orientation you are. I know it’s something you hear a lot in movies and stuff, that if you panic, that means you’re a closet case, but I really don’t think it’s as clear-cut as that. I think a lot of guys would panic.”

“Really?” Mark said.

“Yeah, really. Like, whatever your dad thinks about you, even if he wants to ‘fix’ you or something-" Johnny looked away from the sky and back to Mark. "-that doesn’t mean he’s right.”

“But the fact that it’s been  _ years _ and I still can’t think about it, that… that really scares me, hyung. I’ve tried so hard to try and work it out but I just can’t get any closer, and it’s like, what if… what if my brain’s just trying to hide something?”

“Then… maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t. Whatever happens, at the end of the day, you’re still Mark, right? That’s not gonna change to me.”

“Then…” and the volume of Mark’s voice suddenly crept up as an unexpected wave of upset welled up within him, “then why do I feel so relieved to hear you say that?”

Johnny sat up and his arm came around Mark’s shoulders and he pulled him in against his chest, at a slightly awkward angle for his back as he was still sat next to him, but just needing to comfort him. Mark buried his face into his shoulder, fighting against the sobbing that took over his small body.

“I think…” Johnny said, “you’ve just been struggling for a long time, right? I mean, this stuff… this happened years ago. The way your dad sees you shouldn’t be affected by any of this stuff. He’s just supposed to love you. That’s all. No conditions. Just love.”

“It’s… it’s like… I suddenly became his enemy, you know?” Mark was limp now, giving up the fight to stay in control, in full flows of tears. “A-a-and I didn’t even… I didn’t even  _ do _ anything, and I wanted to tell him because I thought it's what he'd've wanted me to do, and I regret it, I really wish I hadn’t said anything to anyone, and now everything’s messed up and it’s been years and he’s still looking at me like I’m not… like I’m not his kid, you know?”

“I know,” Johnny said, starting to cry himself, holding Mark there, wishing he could do something to take this pain away, hearing the anguish in his friend's voice, not knowing how to fix this. He squeezed tighter, burying his face in. “I know.”

“A-a-a-and what if I  _ had _ done something? Is that why I can’t- I-I mean, is that why I feel so… yeah, it’s panic, it is. I know it. It’s like that same joke you hear from fans. And I don’t know what it means or even if it means anything, because there’s no way I can think about it without knowing how much it’s messed my life up, and I’m just scared all the time, so scared.”

“It’s OK to be scared, I get it,” Johnny said, trying to be the one in control of himself, but on the verge of just losing it. “You’re brave though. So brave for talking to me about this now. You’re so strong, Mark, I can’t believe you’ve been going through this alone.”

“And  _ every time  _ I meet with my dad I think well, maybe this is the time that it’s gonna be different," Mark continued, it all flowing out of him at once like pus from a wound, "maybe I’m, like, I’m gonna meet up with him and he’ll just treat me like normal, like I’m not, like, someone who’s done something he can never forgive me for, but every time I feel sick and it’s like I’m sat there  _ waiting _ for him to make those comments that I know are directed at me, and even most of the time he doesn’t but I know he’s thinking them, and I come away and I just wanna explode. I don’t even know if it’s, like, angry, or if I wanna cry, or just, even, like, umm… disappear or something. And that’s not me, right?”

Johnny knew it wasn’t necessarily what he meant, but he read between the lines on that word  _ disappear _ and his grip tightened fiercely. They’d already gone through something big along those same lines with Jungwoo just the year before. He couldn’t handle not taking a comment like that seriously again.

“Don’t you dare disappear on me. You cry all you want. The, the fucking… years of this, you cry, you get angry, you let it out a bit right now, OK? But stay here. I’m with you. We’re gonna get through this, right?”

Mark pulled back a bit and Johnny let him, but kept a tight anchoring grip on his shoulders.

"What's wrong with me?" Mark said, a note of creeping horror in his voice.

"Mark, listen to me, there's nothing wrong with you-"

“But, like, why do I take it so personally, hyung? Like, now, even when the topic comes up with other people I just get kind of tense and I focus in on it, hard, and like… why?"

"I don't know, Mark. Mark, look at me. I wish I could tell you what I know you wanna know so badly, but if you don't know then I sure as hell don't, I can't see inside your head." He gripped tighter on Mark’s shoulders and shook him, trying to make him feel the fierceness of his emotions. "What I can do is be here for you, whatever you need, whenever you just need to… you just need to rage about how unfair the world is, or cry, or talk, or whatever - I'm here for you. No conditions. No judgement."

“But why don’t I know, hyung? It’s been years. It’s been years,” Mark said, and he sounded so exhausted and upset that Johnny’s grip loosened and turned into reassuring him, making a conscious effort to seem calm. He moved a hand and rubbed between Mark’s shoulder blades, trying to just soothe him down. That was what Mark needed from him right at that moment.

“I know Mark, I know. It’s been years, but maybe it’ll just be a little bit longer. OK? You’ve got this far, and you’ve not been talking about this with anyone, am I right?” Johnny knew he was right - apart from his dad, Johnny thought he’d be the only person he’d have told. He was feeling kind of angry - scratch that, extremely angry - at Mark’s dad, but he made an effort to focus on Mark instead, and what he’d need to hear. Mark needed compassion, not rage. He kept his tone soft. “You’ve gotta give it time. You’ve got time. I’m so sorry about all the shit that’s happening with your dad, but, y’know... maybe it was… important that something finally made you see that side of him. Him being like that isn’t your fault, and if it wasn’t this, maybe it would have been something else, I don’t know. But you’ve been getting better and better at standing on your own two feet, I’ve really noticed how much you’ve been growing up lately, and it’s hard, I know it is, but you’re doing such an amazing job of just… being Mark.”

Mark’s tears were flowing out full force again, going limp into Johnny’s chest.

“Wh-why can’t it be my dad saying stuff like that?”

“Yeah.” Johnny squeezed him tighter. “I know, buddy. I know.”

“I miss my dad.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Mark. I’m so sorry."

Johnny let him cry. He stayed there, clinging onto him, rubbing his back, hating to hear him in pain, hearing how exhausted he was getting after going to the monumental effort of letting it all out. Mark didn’t deserve this. Johnny just wanted to come up with some way to make him feel better, anything.

He spoke, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

“Want me to tell you reasons I think you’re such a great person?”

Mark let out a snot-filled huff of laughter at that.

“You don’t have to, that’s super nice of you, but-”

“Tough, I’m not actually asking, I’m telling you you’re gonna hear it.”

“What, you’re just gonna say it?”

“Pretty much. Now shut up and listen,” he said, giving Mark a consoling squeeze. “You’re so nice. Like, really, one of the nicest guys I think I’ve ever met. You make every situation funny just by being there - I think that’s something that everyone loves about you, how much you laugh at stuff, and it’s always, like, genuine laughter, it’s so nice to be around.” Johnny paused for a moment, trying to organise this. “And you’re really smart. The way you use words, I know we kinda clown you for it but actually? You’ve always thought really deeply about something before you say it, and even if it comes out weird or it doesn’t make sense right away, it’s always a unique point of view and it’s genuinely, just, interesting to look at stuff in a different way. I always look forward to hearing what you have to say. And you  _ know _ you’re great at rapping, the way you can make up words that flow together on the spot like that? I can’t do that. I really can’t. It’s a gift. You’ve gotta be really smart to do that. And, and you’re someone who-” Mark let out another sob, interrupting Johnny, who just rubbed his back in reassurance. “You’re someone who… if the situation was reversed, and it was me crying on you, I would just trust you absolutely to have my back and not judge me. I could tell you I was gonna break contract and run off and join the circus, and I know you’d listen to my reasons and support my decisions. That’s a rare thing. You’re someone who earns people’s trust, man. That’s why you’re my brother. That’s why we’re in this for life. OK? I’d choose you as my brother. I  _ am _ choosing you as my brother. You got that?”

“Hyung,” said Mark, “are you trying to make me cry more, or what? That was so… that was so… beautiful…”

Mark clung onto him for about a minute more, before huffing an exhausted laugh at himself, and wiping his face with his hand.

"I didn't really expect it to go this way,” he said, face twisted into a smile like he was making fun of himself just a little. “I had an idea about what the issue really was, but as soon as I started talking about it, it turned out to be about something else." 

"Weird, huh?"

“Yeah. Thanks, though.”

He sounded truly worn out, now, totally wrung out from crying. Johnny patted his back and broke the hug, taking control of the situation. If there was one thing that Mark really needed, it was sleep. Johnny had to make sure he got to bed before the situation deteriorated again - he’d be able to cope better if he could rest.

“You ready to head back?” he checked.

“Fuck yeah,” replied Mark, sleepily.

They mostly walked back in silence. Johnny chatted about neutral topics just a bit, but truth be told, he was really tired too.

They snuck past the sasaengs that were always around their building, hiding their faces, relying on the unexpectedly late hour to not get spotted. Sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn’t, but luckily tonight it did work, and they got in in peace.

They got into the lift, pressing the buttons for the fifth and tenth floors, and as the lift hummed and started to move, Mark cleared his throat.

“What if I did want him to kiss me?”

And Johnny finally, finally felt like that little sentence was the one that Mark had been dancing around all that time. Saving it until the last possible few seconds. Typical. He smiled, and tried to be casual.

“Then that’s pretty normal. And completely OK. But just a word of advice…”

“What is it?”

“You can find a better guy than Haechan. Come on, man.”

Mark guffawed.

“Bro, don’t tease me like that. I’m not gonna… gonna…”

“I know, I know, stupid joke.” The lift doors opened on the fifth floor, and Johnny stuck a foot out to hold the door while he finished. “Mark… like I said earlier, you don’t have to decide anything or figure it all out now, you’ve got your whole life to do that. And if you ever wanna talk, or, like, watch a movie or something to help you figure out if there’s anything going on or not you know I’ll always be up for that. You’re my little brother, bro. And I’m so, so proud of you. Get some sleep.”

“I will do, hyung,” said Mark, and the ‘hyung’ hung differently in the air considering the night they’d just had. They both noticed that, and smiled, seeing it in each other’s faces. Johnny squeezed his shoulder. “Thanks, hyung.”

“Any time, dongsaeng,” he replied. “Look after yourself. Goodnight.”

The lift doors closed behind him, and Johnny made his way to his own flat.

As soon as he was inside, he let out a shaky, angry sigh, and slumped against the door. Mark was dealing with so much, and if Johnny felt like it was this heavy, he could only imagine how Mark felt with it all. And although Johnny couldn’t relate exactly, he was familiar with some of what was weighing on Mark. The uncertainty, the scariness - that applied whatever it turned out his sexuality was, in the end. He needed to not think about Mark’s family right now. He needed to get himself to sleep.

Standing in the bathroom, looking at himself as he brushed his teeth, he noticed that it was probably more like early than late by now. Ten was up early for a photoshoot today, right? He suddenly wanted to make contact. He missed him. He took out his phone.

From: Johnny

Morning. You up already?

The response came back quickly.

From: Ten

Sure. You going to sleep already?

From: Johnny

Yeah, you got me. Just wanted to reach out, is all

From: Ten

Why? What’s up? Did something happen?

Johnny was in his room now, trying not to wake Haechan as he snuck into bed. He felt a little wave of affection for the peacefully sleeping boy, despite his flaws - he wondered briefly, how Haechan would feel about him knowing. He pulled the covers round himself, letting himself be soothed by the soft weight of the blankets, and tapped out a response.

From: Johnny

Yeah, kinda, but it’s not about me, so I can’t tell you about it yet. I just miss you a lot sometimes, that’s all

There was a full minute or two, spent in the darkness, before his phone lit up with a response.

From: Ten

Yeah. I miss you too.

And Johnny felt the ache inside him that was always there under the surface soothed by those words. It was like warmth, spreading through him as he sleepily looked at the words in his bed.

Being bisexual wasn’t easy - it was hard when the person you liked best was someone society would find it hard to accept, and it was hard when people assumed that liking girls meant that all the other stuff wasn’t real and didn’t matter. But there were things that made it all worth it. This was one of them.

From: Johnny

Want to meet up soon? I want to see you x


End file.
